"Hey Linds, wrong number...

Someone's looking for kettle on line one. Says her name is pot; wants to call him black. Do you wanna take this one?"

Well, I didn't. However, when I got ambushed today at the office, it was all I could do to not go Omorosa on Meg's (fuck it, I'm done being nice with the aliases) ass. See if you can follow this....

Yesterday evening, my friend "Laura" (ok, ok, I said I was done with the aliases, but I need to protect this girl because Liz is back in the picture to some extent. You remember Liz, right? No? Read this, I'll wait...)

Back? Good! Anywhoo, Laura forwarded an email regarding a meeting this Saturday to a bunch of us (5 people total, I counted). Without realizing that Meg was being copied, people started offering their excuses as to why they couldn't attend along with little jokes about Jason's inability to spell wedding (he said "weeding," we made garden gags). Since the email from Jen was sent to my work account, I said this...

I haven't seen anything from Meg on this, and I don't remember an email
from Cia either...
Either way, I'm in VA that day.
Jason, wear gloves. :)

Just for the record, the email from Meg (to my HOME) account just appeared. All statements that I made were true. I didn't remember seeing an email from Cia, I didn't see anything from Meg, and I AM going to be in VA that day.

Incidentally, the other emails (this is going to be important later) said:

I will be at a weeding, so I will not be able to make it. (clearly, that was Jason)

It should be a lovely day for gardening. I won't be able to make it. (Cassie)

I thought everything was said and done. Strangely enough, it wasn't

Imagine my surprise this morning when the original 5 plus thirty other people (I counted!) received this:

Lindsay,
When sending yesterdays email I used all the addresses from Cia's email that was sent on May 22nd. If you will scroll to the bottom you will notice that YOUR name is second on the list of recipients. If you did not receive either of the two, than perhaps you should update your contact information so that we may send you the information needed for any events within our District. Also, the meeting was announced during the State Board Meeting along with any information needed for the District to attend. In the future, some tact in your responses would be much appreciated. A simple (and polite) "Thank You, but I will not be able to attend", would have sufficed.......

I was livid. Not only was I ambushed at work, but this was a deliberate attempt to embarrass me in front of 30 people who, for the simple fact that I exchanged a few kisses with a boy three G-D years ago, have listened to a crazy woman and, as a result, don't like me very much. I wish I could say that I didn't know why this bitch was singling me out, but considering that she's one of Liz's minions, I don't have to go far to imagine.

Incidentally, I wasn't at that meeting in May, and I haven't seen any meeting minutes. Therefore, in addition to "learning a little about tact," I'm apparently supposed to be brushing up on my psychic abilities. Yeah, I'll get right to work on that one.

After I calmed down to the point where I could type, I copied the original 5 and the thirty others in a sickly sweet email (seriously, Jules, thanks for the insulin, I totally needed it!) that apologized for the original "slight," reminded her that though I believed that the 30 others needed to be copied on this email to show that, despite the accusations to the contrary, I actually do have tact and professionalism, in the future, discussions would be best left to the people involved. Namely, her and me. I also said that I hoped that our Chapters could continue to maintain the good relationship that we've had in the past. Furthermore, I reminded her of the important difference between sending and receiving of emails and thanked her for alerting me to a possible problem with my gmail provider.

Damn skippy, I know that that was pure Pulitzer material! I'm so proud of me.

Of course, the email I wanted to send went a little something like this...

Meg~

I truly didn't mean to offend with my email, and I apologize if that's what you felt. I also appreciate your vocabulary lesson. After more than 20 years of being in school/professional workplace, I was so embarrassed to have been operating with such a tactless fashion. I guess that's what has held me back from those high paying jobs. Except, well, I'm pretty sure that by the way you and Liz have been talking, I make more than the two of you...combined. Ok, maybe this non-tact thing's been working a little better than I thought.

Because of your concern, I did take the time to look the word tact up, and, well, I'm more confused. I looked at the emails between my team and myself, and I can't, for the life of me, see what was so offensive. Sure, there was an inside joke between friends that we didn't explain. Then again, we didn't realize you were on the email. If we had, we wouldn't be as careless as we were to rag Jason about his gardening abilities when clearly, someone was copied on the email who either lacked the sense of humor or still had her head jammed so far up Liz's ass (Clinque's supposed to be great to get that brown off your nose, BTW) to see that all you had to do was read between the lines and know that none of us were able to make your precious meeting on Saturday. For the record, I'm pretty sure after that reaction and the public flogging that you put my team, and me personally through because you're clearly on the rag, none of us will be making your precious meetings for a very, very long time.

I sincerely appreciate your driving the point home by displaying what tact clearly ISN'T when you copied thirty strangers on an email that they clearly had no business or interest in beyond gossiping about the fool that you were hoping to make of my team. I'm a big fan of irony, so I'm pretty sure that most of the people who are reading this email (beyond those who hate me for a thirty second relationship that took place 3 years ago), are capable of identifying that the one who displayed a complete and total lack of tact and succeeded in making not only a fool, but an ass of themselves was, in fact, you. However, since I was publicly rebuked in front of them, I would appreciate your filling in the blanks. Some names I recognize, and some I don't. Who are these people, please? [AT THIS POINT, A LIST OF THOSE WHOSE EMAILS I DON'T RECOGNIZE WOULD APPEAR. THESE HAVE BEEN DELETED FOR THEIR PRIVACY].

Despite the eye-rolling, back-stabbing and out and out lies that have been told about my team, specifically "Laura" and myself, we have tried to be the bigger people and hold back, even when we can clearly see what's going on. Unfortunately, you, Liz, and "Lucky" aren't helping matters with that, but we won't get into body types here. As an aside, I would like to say that Weight Watchers has done wonders for me in the past, and I could see wonderful things for you if you just made a little effort. Thanks to the online program you won't have to deal with people. Clearly, dear, that's not one of your strongest points.

Meg, I'm not trying to Dr. Phil you, but I think I've narrowed down the problem. Now, I don't know if you're on the rag this week, but if you're not (or you're a little kinky) I'd like to encourage you to get laid. Please, for the good of society just find a man and bang him. Hopefully, he's not the loser who you claim beat you up -- though the lack of evidence leads me to believe that you were simply trying to get attention from a happily-attached man. Your personality is screaming born-again virgin, and it's not healthy for anyone!! Seriously, get your head out of Liz's ass, think for yourself, find a man, blindfold him, tie him up, and get you some before you have a heart-attack or decide to get stupid again with the wrong person. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

PS...To remind you of your own advice: If it gets to be a problem, a simple and polite "Thank you, but I will not be able to come" will more than suffice.

Wow, I feel A LOT better now...

Thoughts? Opinions? Leave 'em in the comments kids!