2006 Election Night Drinking Game: The Rules

As promised, the rules to the 2006 Election Night Drinking Game!

The rules are fairly simple, and even a Macaca could probably figure this out. No, not THAT Macaca, as he's probably sitting drinking a beer at a victory party somewhere (plus, frankly, that word is mean), but the monkey itself.

The Basics: Pick a channel and a Party (Democratic, Republican, Independent, Whigs only if you're into that kind of stuff) and stick with it through all contested national elections. For the locals, just stick with who you voted for. Drink once if your guy wins, twice if he loses.

Simple right? I thought so. Now, in addition to the basic rules, drink once for each of these events:

• A state result is called with less than 20% of the precincts reporting.* (Drink twice every time the results are switched after that point)
• Anyone in your viewing party suggests turning on Jon Stewart instead.
• The channel you're watching misidentifies the Party of a candidate/major player (Chug if it's NOT Fox News)
• Any of the people I named drinks after "lose" their jobs (use that unknown guy who took Foley's place for his).
• You hear any network banter/stump speech that sounds like it was ripped off from The West Wing.
• Some actor/musician/celebreskeleton grants an in-studio interview in an effort to sound more "political-like" (Drink twice it's neither Bono nor a Baldwin, Chug if it's Paris or Nicole).

Finish your drinks if either of these happen (you'll need it):

• Someone makes it through a speech without mentioning Iraq or 9/11.
• The Republicans retain control of Congress.

All lawsuits, hanging chads, and wacky voting machines aside, the winner is the last man standing at the end of the night. If no one is standing, understand that that's probably because the Republicans are still in charge (because, really, who's not going to make a speech referencing Iraq or 9/11 these days?). After waking yourself up and discovering that no, in fact, it's not a dream start planning your move to Canada. I hear the Molson's delicious, eh?

* Just so we're clear, this is a personal pet peeve of mine!