I always thought being a bridesmaid was a relatively easy job. Buy a dress, throw a few parties, assemble some invites, and make sure the bride doesn't run. You usually get a manicure and a new hairdo out of the deal, and, if you're lucky, you'll wear your dress again. If you're not lucky, then the dress appears at the Awesome 80's Prom a few years later being worn by some skinny assed teenager who only serves to remind you that once upon a time you were able to get into that dress, and while normally you'd never be caught dead wearing it in public, you'd do it in a heartbeat just to show you can.
The wedding I'm taking part in this Saturday started out innocently enough. Lisa asked me to go dress shopping and in between zipping her up in the usual mountains of white fabric and chasing down the attendant for a new veil, she asked me if I'd like to try on a few dresses myself (for obvious reasons). Since it was almost the same way that Erica asked me to be in hers, I really didn't think anything was unusual.
Now there's usually a calm before the storm and an eye in a hurricane, and, mercifully, both of these are the Bride and Groom. We're two days out, and both Lisa and Dave are charging forward like nothing's wrong. Part of it is that they're just so excited to be getting married (as they should be). The other is that they're blissfully unaware of what's going on behind the scenes.
For starters, one of the bridesmaids...I'll call her, well, Kim, still hasn't picked up her dress. The girl in South Carolina has hers, so it's not really a distance problem. Nope, Kim's just a flake who's also on the run from the law. Maybe...the charges haven't been filed yet, but there was an incident last year with some missing sex toys and another wedding that involved one of the Groomsmen's fiancées. "Laura's" (yeah, not her real name, but there's a theme, go with it) still considering the charges, so you can see why showing up this weekend may prove problematic. Either way, because Kim hasn't picked up her dress and never RSVP'd, she's not eating. I can see her trying to steal off other people's plates, but I think a well-timed fork to the top of her hand may prevent that from being too much of a problem.
The other problem lies with Liz. Liz is a girl of a "generous figure." So generous, in fact, that this exchange was overheard at a party last August.
Woman: Where did you say the chips were again?
Man: Under the table behind the pregnant woman.
Woman: Pregnant woman? No one's...[looks around, sees Liz in a wrap-around, Empire-waisted shirt with a Katie Holmeseque belly]
Woman: Oh. She's not pregnant. That's her beer gut.
Man: ....
Sadly, Liz is not possessive of a generous personality. Somehow, however, the matrimonial gods have smiled on Liz (even gods like a good joke every now and then), and Liz is marrying (Not So) Lucky next April. Lucky, coincidentally, is Laura's fiancé's twin brother, and a boy I had a "relationdinghy" with a few years ago.
Definition: Relationdinghy (n.) - A short term involvement consisting of a kiss or two and everyone around you swearing that you'd be perfect together. The relationdinghy is not a "hook-up" which implies lustful physical attraction or a "relationship" which implies that the parties involved have potential to stay together.
Since this relationdinghy happened, Liz has taken a particular dislike to me. I have no idea why as I'm quite attractive and nice and skinny and I smile a lot and I'm very smart and I possess all those other traits and things that most other men and women love to have in their friends. I also can drink quite a few men under the table and show no wear and tear on the system as a result. Hangovers escape me, and I have, mercifully, never been blessed with a beer gut. Liz needs me as a friend to balance out her other not-as-desirable traits; that way, she could come out just to the left of even.
But alas, because Lucky liked me at one time, Liz has no desire to see me socially. However, she has no problem hanging out with Laura's fiancé or, as she dated Luke long before Laura entered the picture, comparing the boys' prowess in bed (Lucky, obviously, is the winner). Sounds like someone needs to get her priorities straight. Anyone have Jerry Springer's number?
Now, I wasn't originally going to walk with Lucky. Being the shortest girl, all 5'4" of me was the last one down the line and that put me with Lisa's cousin-in-law. Ironically enough, Kim's AWOL status has moved me up the row to the next-shortest-man (and the Jr. Bridesmaid is being upgraded to a full Bridesmaid, so she's now walking with Tony). That man, ladies and gentlemen, is Lucky. Strangely enough, Liz has decreed (to only Lucky and Luke) that Lucky and I will be walking together in this wedding over "her dead body." I could probably arrange that, but I'm pretty sure none of us has a gait large enough to step over it.
Even Lucky can't figure out what Liz's problem is, and this is encouraging for the state of their relationship. Though I have absolutely NO desire to date Lucky myself, I REALLY don't want to see him with Liz. I'm rooting for a melt-down...after the wedding of course!
Tonight's the Rehearsal Dinner, and it promises more drama and intrigue than the entire ABC Daytime lineup combined. Will Liz throw a fit and make an ass out of herself? Will Lucky finally man-up and kick his fiancée to the curb? Will Kim make an appearance? Will Lisa and Dave make it down the aisle without tripping? Will the Groom's sister turn up pregnant? Will anything else go wrong?
Stay tuned for an exciting update on Monday!
1 comment:
Since it was almost the same way that Erica asked me to be in hers, I really didn't think anything was unusual.
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