Summertime Tips

Not mine, but always good...

Just a friendly reminder, it's that time of the year again. Please raise
your big toes and repeat after me: As a member of the Faux Paux
Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other
open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over
and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the
sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps. I will
go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I
will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I
will shave the hairs off my big toe. I won't wear pantyhose even if my
misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam
really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into
place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. I
will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr.
Scholl 's if my feet need him. I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes
at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small
enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my
safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when
standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with
me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell
and begin to look like Vienna sausages. I will be brutally honest with
my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly
to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've
been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the
world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually
flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear
NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them. I will promise to go my
local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure
(they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00
and get a even better one. I will promise to throw away any
white/off-white sandals that show of wear... nothing is tackier than
dirty white sandals.

The Wedding

For those expecting a wedding experience as wild as most of the nups on
Days of Our Lives, I'm truly sorry to disappoint. As much as I feared
going into this past weekend, the wedding was surprisingly tame.

The Bride was beautiful, the groom was glowing with happiness, and aside
from the torrential downpour, the day was perfect. No, the MIA
Bridesmaid didn't show up (but did we really expect her to?) and yes,
the forbidden groomsman was trying to avoid me (I did get a photo
snapped at the end of the day, so mission accomplished there), but the
drama and the intrigue that I both feared and secretly wanted was sorely
lacking. I was expecting some damn good stories to tell, but at the end
of the day, those were not to be. Sorry, kids.

I'm still debating calling the MIA Bridesmaid, but I still have no idea
what I would say to her.

Somebody's getting committed, and someone else should be...

I always thought being a bridesmaid was a relatively easy job. Buy a dress, throw a few parties, assemble some invites, and make sure the bride doesn't run. You usually get a manicure and a new hairdo out of the deal, and, if you're lucky, you'll wear your dress again. If you're not lucky, then the dress appears at the Awesome 80's Prom a few years later being worn by some skinny assed teenager who only serves to remind you that once upon a time you were able to get into that dress, and while normally you'd never be caught dead wearing it in public, you'd do it in a heartbeat just to show you can.

The wedding I'm taking part in this Saturday started out innocently enough. Lisa asked me to go dress shopping and in between zipping her up in the usual mountains of white fabric and chasing down the attendant for a new veil, she asked me if I'd like to try on a few dresses myself (for obvious reasons). Since it was almost the same way that Erica asked me to be in hers, I really didn't think anything was unusual.

Now there's usually a calm before the storm and an eye in a hurricane, and, mercifully, both of these are the Bride and Groom. We're two days out, and both Lisa and Dave are charging forward like nothing's wrong. Part of it is that they're just so excited to be getting married (as they should be). The other is that they're blissfully unaware of what's going on behind the scenes.

For starters, one of the bridesmaids...I'll call her, well, Kim, still hasn't picked up her dress. The girl in South Carolina has hers, so it's not really a distance problem. Nope, Kim's just a flake who's also on the run from the law. Maybe...the charges haven't been filed yet, but there was an incident last year with some missing sex toys and another wedding that involved one of the Groomsmen's fiancées. "Laura's" (yeah, not her real name, but there's a theme, go with it) still considering the charges, so you can see why showing up this weekend may prove problematic. Either way, because Kim hasn't picked up her dress and never RSVP'd, she's not eating. I can see her trying to steal off other people's plates, but I think a well-timed fork to the top of her hand may prevent that from being too much of a problem.

The other problem lies with Liz. Liz is a girl of a "generous figure." So generous, in fact, that this exchange was overheard at a party last August.

Woman: Where did you say the chips were again?
Man: Under the table behind the pregnant woman.
Woman: Pregnant woman? No one's...[looks around, sees Liz in a wrap-around, Empire-waisted shirt with a Katie Holmeseque belly]
Woman: Oh. She's not pregnant. That's her beer gut.
Man: ....

Sadly, Liz is not possessive of a generous personality. Somehow, however, the matrimonial gods have smiled on Liz (even gods like a good joke every now and then), and Liz is marrying (Not So) Lucky next April. Lucky, coincidentally, is Laura's fiancé's twin brother, and a boy I had a "relationdinghy" with a few years ago.

Definition: Relationdinghy (n.) - A short term involvement consisting of a kiss or two and everyone around you swearing that you'd be perfect together. The relationdinghy is not a "hook-up" which implies lustful physical attraction or a "relationship" which implies that the parties involved have potential to stay together.

Since this relationdinghy happened, Liz has taken a particular dislike to me. I have no idea why as I'm quite attractive and nice and skinny and I smile a lot and I'm very smart and I possess all those other traits and things that most other men and women love to have in their friends. I also can drink quite a few men under the table and show no wear and tear on the system as a result. Hangovers escape me, and I have, mercifully, never been blessed with a beer gut. Liz needs me as a friend to balance out her other not-as-desirable traits; that way, she could come out just to the left of even.

But alas, because Lucky liked me at one time, Liz has no desire to see me socially. However, she has no problem hanging out with Laura's fiancé or, as she dated Luke long before Laura entered the picture, comparing the boys' prowess in bed (Lucky, obviously, is the winner). Sounds like someone needs to get her priorities straight. Anyone have Jerry Springer's number?

Now, I wasn't originally going to walk with Lucky. Being the shortest girl, all 5'4" of me was the last one down the line and that put me with Lisa's cousin-in-law. Ironically enough, Kim's AWOL status has moved me up the row to the next-shortest-man (and the Jr. Bridesmaid is being upgraded to a full Bridesmaid, so she's now walking with Tony). That man, ladies and gentlemen, is Lucky. Strangely enough, Liz has decreed (to only Lucky and Luke) that Lucky and I will be walking together in this wedding over "her dead body." I could probably arrange that, but I'm pretty sure none of us has a gait large enough to step over it.

Even Lucky can't figure out what Liz's problem is, and this is encouraging for the state of their relationship. Though I have absolutely NO desire to date Lucky myself, I REALLY don't want to see him with Liz. I'm rooting for a melt-down...after the wedding of course!

Tonight's the Rehearsal Dinner, and it promises more drama and intrigue than the entire ABC Daytime lineup combined. Will Liz throw a fit and make an ass out of herself? Will Lucky finally man-up and kick his fiancée to the curb? Will Kim make an appearance? Will Lisa and Dave make it down the aisle without tripping? Will the Groom's sister turn up pregnant? Will anything else go wrong?

Stay tuned for an exciting update on Monday!

I passed 8th grade math!

Still figuring out how to do the Condoleeza and the watermelon problem, but in the meantime...

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

On a scale of 1 - 10...

How much would you want to hurt a bridesmaid who signed on for your
wedding, got a dress, and then went AWOL on you?

No, it's not me. Rest assured I'm not that evil. Kim accepted an
invitation to be a bridesmaid in our friend Lisa's wedding this weekend
(along with me), but thanks to some legal issues right around New Years,
she disappeared. We're 4 days away, she hasn't been in any sort of
communication about the shower or bach (neither of which she showed up
at), and Lisa still has her dress. Since she's been on a major diet (at
least the last time anyone talked to her she said she was starting one),
there's a shot that alterations are needed. How are those going to be
done?!!??!!??

Lisa's decided that if she shows, she's not eating (go Lisa!). She's
also printing the programs tonight, so we'll see if Kim makes it in
there. Lisa's not going home after the RD on Friday, and I told her
that she should "forget" to bring Kim's dress with her. It's not Lisa's
problem if Kim -- who, since the dresses showed up the week of the
Superbowl, has had plenty of time to pick hers up -- can't be bothered
to do so until the night before the wedding. Hell, even the girl who
lives in South Carolina has hers!!

None of us can figure out why, if there were such issues, she didn't
just decline the invite to be in the wedding. At the very least, she
could have dropped the wedding when things got bad, and Lisa would have
had time to adjust. Lisa's strangely calm about it all (at least she
was at the bachelorette party -- actually, can you be strangely calm at
one of those?), Dave's freaking out, and I'm going back and forth
between not caring about ever seeing her again and wanting to call her
out on how impossibly bitchy she's being. The worst part is that I
don't think she even realizes what problems she's causing...she's
flaking out as usual, but even when I told her to go pick up her dress
(over 3 weeks ago), because it's causing our friend stress, she's still
not reacting.

With every wedding, there's a lesson learned. Takeaway from this one:
don't put her anywhere near it!

I love this headline

I am so in love right now with the headline writers over at CNN.com.
The stuff they're coming up with these days is pure brilliance. The
latest (about fires in Texas)...

Mesquite grilled by overnight hay fires

Beware of psychic coworkers!

Not as funny as Kristen’s “conversation” with Scot on Sunday, but still fun.

I was listening to “Parents Just Don’t Understand,” and just after Will Smith goes, “I remember one year…” my cowoker over the hedge goes, “You don’t even remember the year!”

Is this too harsh?

This guy Harry has been sending me emails and while he’s a nice guy, he keeps bringing up this time that I threatened to handcuff him.

A LITTLE BACKGROUND is necessary here…

A bunch of us were doing a guys vs. girls penny war for a local charity. The guys kept threatening to steal our pennies, so one night at Happy Hour, I turned to Harry, Jon, Frank, and Jason (see, four guys here!) and went, "You boys are NOT going to steal any more of our pennies -- even if I have to handcuff you to make sure that doesn't happen!"

So, fast forward about two years, and Harry's grandfather dies. Kristen and I go to the viewing to show our support. While we're there, his mother starts making conversation, and I realize that this woman seems to know quite a bit about me. For example, even though Kristen's lived in Medfield longer than I (by a year!), Mrs. Pippin seems to only want to know about my experiences and view on the hood. She also knew what I did for a living, and all sorts of other bits of random trivia about me.

A week after the viewing Harry offers to take Kristen and me out for dinner to show his appreciation. We let him (free food after all!) and he starts bringing up handcuffs. Initially, I don't remember, but as he's going on and on, I do start to form some recollection. He also "tosses" himself at me during dinner...even though Kristen is right there. However, I don't react to any of it.

Then, a bunch of us are out again two weeks ago, and he brings up the damn handcuffs again. I even ask Jason to the wedding right in front of him and though I'm forced to mention that Jeremey and I are no longer an item, I make it clear that I'm moving on quickly. But no, even when I'm not paying attention to him, he's telling the other people at the table about the handcuffing incident!

Since then, he's sent me a few emails "just checking in," no mention of cuffs, but I haven't responded. I feel however, that I owe him an explanation and a bit of a lesson in why, though he's very nice, I'm not interested in pursuing a real friendship with him. Up to now, we've really been acquaintances, and he asked me out a few years ago, but I put a stop on that real quick.

My dilemma is that a) I'm not experienced at being particularly mean b) his grandfather's only been dead for about a month and c) he's had some medical problems that have made him a little awkward (he had a stroke when he was a little kid). Therefore, being too mean would be like kicking Tiny Tim and then taking away his crutch.

So, I'm thinking of sending him this. What do you think?

Harry~

Yes, all is well and my review went brilliantly. Thanks for wondering.

I guess you've probably been wondering why I haven't emailed you back until now. The truth is that this constant bringing up of the handcuffs has been making me very uncomfortable. I go to your grandfather's wake to show support to you and your family, and you choose to show your appreciation with public accusations of threatening to perform sexual acts that I a) never said I was going to perform and b) never specifically said I was going to perform on you. If I remember the incident correctly (as you have now forced me to do), any threat of handcuffs was a light-hearted joke in reference to keeping you and the three other individuals who received the same threat away from our pennies. The others haven't been bringing it up all this time, so I can only assume that they took it in the spirit that it was intended and that you somehow haven't.

I know that you think you're joking, but it's really getting to not be funny. Harry, you're a nice guy, and I consider you a friend. I like to joke around with my friends, but I can't joke around with you if I can't be sure that you're not going to take what's clearly a joke and use it to imply things about my sex life. It was so long ago that those who were there (including me up until recently) have forgotten most of the details, and you're conveniently leaving quite a few parts out when you share the story. The result is that you're implying quite a few things about me that I'm not too happy to have out there. It's also made me wonder what other light-hearted, off-hand comments I may have made to you in the past that are now circulating the halls of T. Rowe Price or the Jaycees.

I don't want to make things more uncomfortable, so let's just drop the whole thing. You stop bringing up handcuffs, and I'll know that you've stopped, and we can totally move on without having to discuss this again. I don't need an apology or anything, because I'm not mad. I just thought I should say something before it gets too far out of hand.

More fun with Government officials

So, I owe the state more money. It's a significant amount, but I can't
seem to get my 502X form to agree with my calculations. It's
frustrating, but rather than fool around with this anymore, I cut a
check for the amount that I think that I owe and I'm sending it with
this letter to Comptroller Schaefer's office. I'm hoping that tax guys
have a sense of humor too and that I'll get some effort for attempting
to right the situation.

It's not as good as the Grinch, but I still think it's fun.

Dear Comptroller Schaefer:

2005 was a banner year for me. I quit a job after 5 years, started a
new one, cashed in my IRA, and purchased my first home in the state of
Maryland. I like Maryland quite a bit, and after five years of living
here, I consider myself home. I'm particularly partial to Baltimore, so
I made Medfield home. It's a cute house, and I'd like to keep it.

I've also been putting money away in a fund for a hot tub to accompany
my Medfield home. Thank goodness I did because I seemed to have made a
huge mistake when I initially filed my taxes. Remember how I said I
cashed in my IRA? Well, I kind of forgot all about that. Two days
after I filed, I was shockingly reminded of it in the form of a 1099-R
form!

After the heart attack wore off, I sat down at the computer and started
crunching numbers, I can't seem to get my 502x form to agree, but I know
that I owe you more money. I've cleared and reentered the form over and
over again, but Turbo Tax keeps insisting that you're supposed to give
me a refund of $7. While I would definitely appreciate the donation of
a 12-pack of McHenry Beer (a fine Maryland brew!) at my eventual hot tub
inaugural party, I know that I look much better in a bathing suit than
the bright orange jumpsuit that would come from any attempt to rip off
this fine state. I also know that while I wouldn't really care if a
child could only learn half of the Periodic Table thanks to my not
providing funds for his education in 2005 (sorry, but I'm always honest
with the government), I probably would care very much in 2020 when this
same child is my pool guy and he puts the wrong chemicals in the hot
tub. Chemical burns, after all, are no fun for anyone!

Therefore, Sir, while the paperwork says otherwise, I am including a
check for $X - the amount that I believe that I owe the state for 2005
taxes. My calculations are consistent in that amount - even if Turbo
Tax is a little shaky on it. If your office determines that I owe
additional funds, I would be very happy to pay. You wouldn't even need
to send the scary men in the black suits out to find me and take away my
cute home in Medfield! A letter would more than suffice.

If, however, you find that Turbo Tax was right all along and I was just
being paranoid of the government, my neighbors and I would really
appreciate getting those funds back since a hot tub would really benefit
all of us.
I appreciate you and your office being so understanding.

Sincerely,
Lindsay

Opportunity, the Easter Bunny, my former neighbor...which of these doesn't knock once?

Had an interesting conversation with Neighbor-J last night. Yes, I know he moved, but to me, he will always be my stalker-neighbor.

Here’s a little background to catch up the masses….

Monday night, went out for margaritas and came home to find that one of the cats had puked on the bed. Rather than deal with it then (gross, yes, but I was a little loopy and tired!), I grabbed my non-pukey pillows and went downstairs to sleep on the futon. Turned on the TV and a light, but basically I was out within five minutes.

At 9:30, someone starts knocking on the door. I’m tired. I don’t answer. At first I thought it may have been Becca or Cassie, but then I realized that I just saw them and if either of them had found some trouble, they’d yell.

The knocking continues and gets suspiciously close to my head. At this point, I start to suspect who it was. Then the phone starts ringing (next to my ear!). Suspicion almost confirmed. Though I’m fully awake (and angry) now, I still don’t answer the door because I know what happened to Kristen when she made that mistake, and I really don’t feel like entertaining the boy for an hour when all I want to do is curl up and go to bed! Without him!!

So last night, he calls to “check on the cat.” It’s ok if you interpret this as, “I’m bored and I want you to entertain me, and I know you’re home because I’m in your front yard.” I certainly did. Except (thank God) he wasn’t in my front yard.

He tells me he stopped by on Monday night. I feign innocence. I’m good at that.

“Really,” I say.

“Yep,” he says, “I was in the neighborhood and wanted to check on the cat.” That I left in lockup for 21 days and I didn’t bother to visit, I continued for him. “Both cars were there, and I saw him on the futon. Julia was lying there, but she didn’t answer…even when I started knocking right next to her head.”

Now I swear that Cassie and I told Jason that Julia was in New York at the last BJAC Meeting. I swear he was pretty happy about it too (sorry, Jules). He’s probably coming by the house at least 2-3 times a week as well, so how has he not realized that she moved?

I told him it was me, not Julia on the couch. I told him I was dead asleep too.

“Yeah, you moved a little when I knocked on the window, but I could tell you were asleep.”

Ok, if you could tell I was asleep, why the hell did you keep knocking? Moreover, WHY DID YOU START CALLING!!??!!

I’m more creeped out by this than the time that (I’m pretty sure) he saw me naked. If anyone needs me this weekend, I’ll be at Home Depot looking into some industrial-strength steel blinds. I could be out of town as Jason generously offered to come over and go through my stuff watch the cats, but I thought better of it.

Happy Easter everyone!

Saw this headline on CNN today...

Star wears red shirt, no pants to Walk of Fame ceremony

At first, I thought (no I really did) that it was a story about one of the Hollywood “starlets” (Paris, Nicole, Lindsay, Tara…take your pick) doing something stupid (again). I was disturbed, but not disturbed enough to stop reading.

Turns out perfectly innocent Winnie the Pooh got his walk of fame star today in Hollywood, and the only naked blonde in attendance was Rabbit.

And this is how someone becomes a crazy cat lady...

For five years, I had one kitty. I adopted her because I couldn’t have a dog in my apartment, and I needed something to blame when stuff fell in rooms that I wasn’t in at the time. That was Minnie. Human 1: Cats 1.

When Julia and I moved into the Medfield house, Julia decided that the house was too big for one kitty. We went to the SPCA one night “just to look.” As I learned in college and should have remembered in May…one does NOT go window-shopping at the SPCA! Sookie came home, and the score was Humans 2: Cats 2.

When Julia moved to New York, Sookie didn’t make the cut. The official story was that “She’ll miss her sister too much.” Either way, we’re down to Humans 1: Cats 2.

That’s already dangerous territory, but last night, I believe I went over the edge. Last night, I learned that my idiot of a former neighbor is gutting his house. While the new place is uninhabitable and the old one is being rented, the boy and the dog from hell are living with the boy’s parents. The cat, however, is in lockup down at the local animal hospital. The renovations were supposed to last two and a half weeks but the contractor “found” extra items that means that the cat would be stuck there until the end of May.

While I realize that money is apparently no object for this guy (he spent $4,000 on a rental car because his insurance had a cap of $500 and he “didn’t think” to borrow a car from his parents when that ran out), you’d think that the mental stability of the animal would be of some concern to him. Actually, no, it probably wouldn’t be because this is the guy who took off to Mexico for two weeks with a crazy woman, called me the night before he left town to ask me to take charge of the cat, and NEVER TOLD ME WHEN HE WAS COMING HOME!

I think it’s cruel to leave a kitty in lock-up for 2.5 months, and, since the contractor has a reputation for being something of an “Eldon,” it could be longer. Therefore, as of tonight, the cat is coming to stay with me. **TEMPORARILY**. I’ve got a spy who’s going to tell me when the house is finished (because, Lord knows Jason won’t remember to) so that kitty can be dropped off in a timely manner. If the existing kitties react badly, new kitty’s going back into storage. For at least a week, however, the score will be Humans 1: Cats 3.

So yes, I drop a guy and pick up a temp-cat in the span of a few days. However, I am determined that my current cats to human ratio will NOT negatively impact my dating life!!

If I cling to that assertion, I’m not in danger of becoming a crazy cat lady, right?

LOTR: LMFAO

Tell me I’m not the only one who’s seen this…

I was watching FRIENDS last night on TBS, and this commercial came on for “The Lord of the Rings.” Programming note: apparently, they’re showing both Fellowship and Two Towers all this weekend.

The crazy thing is that instead of the typical “BOOM BOOM LOTR is so exciting with lots of action and killing things” commercial that I’ve always seen before, it was all these shots of Sam and Frodo accompanied by that cheesy 70s/80s song, “Secret Lovers.”

I was rolling. Has anyone else seen this?

UPDATE! You too can see the commercial at www.tbs.com