It's Oscar Day!

I love the Academy Awards. It's not that I'm a big movie fan. Frankly, everything really sucked this year. It's really the red-carpet fashion bowl that I'm down with. This year, I'm watching E!

To make things interesting, I'm going to drink once every time...
1) Mizrahi gropes someone.
2) One of the hosts name-drops their other projects.
3) Someone makes a gay-cowboy joke.

5:30 - Seacrest in! He's so cute...he's an Oscar virgin. He's asking people to write in their questions to ryan@eonline.com and, of course, vote in on their favorite looks. Will the users be taken off the red carpet? No? Because that would be so much fun!

5:32 - Ooooh, Seacrest just admitted to being a bitch.

5:33 - Seacrest is turning it over to another bitch - Mizrahi!! He's vowing to behave. Dammit.

5:45 - I'm losing interest already...oh FINALLY, the first red-carpet celeb. Unfortunately, it's has-been, Ridgemont High alumn, Jennifer Jason Leigh. She's married to a nominee that Julia was salivating over for all of 5 seconds. Then, she realized it wasn't Adrian Brody. Not-Adrian is up for something, but Mizrahi won't tell us what it is. Oh well, I guess the nominees aren't really that important after all.

5:51 - First American Idol mention courtesy of Finola Hughes! Thank you, Finola, for encouraging me to drink. Now, please allow me to encourage YOU to return to General Hospital.

6:02 - Oh Seacrest, please don't dance. Ever. Ever...EVER.

6:06 - Jon Stewart is just too cute. He's also really good about accepting gifts -- especially those that can kill his new baby!

6:08 - Poor Naomi Watts. It looks like King Kong got ahold of her dress in the limo.

6:17 - Nick Nolte's special dress-up look is only slightly better than this.

6:18 - The penguin people are adorable with their security penguins.

6:20 - The US Weekly guy just threatened to streak the red carpet nekkid with Mizrahi if Jennifer Aniston shows up with Vince Vaughn. For the love of Christ, Jennifer. If he's in the limo, kick him out...KICK HIM OUT!

6:26 - Tyson Beckford is dressed again. Damn.

6:29 - Seacrest gives money to charity and is immediately told to go to break. Seacrest may be out before the end of the broadcast. He's supposed to be starting at E! News Daily tomorrow -- that job may be toast too.

6:32 - My FAVORITE local commercial is on. Oh yes, the Morton Funeral Homes have advertised on basic cable!! My night is complete!

6:33 - Back from commercial, and Seacrest isn't back.

6:34 - Diabetic in a candy store? Mizrahi is facing off with Dolly Parton.

6:37 - Clooney alert. The man is beautiful.

6:39 - Six minutes back, and Seacrest is still out....

6:41 - Yay! Seacrest is still employed!! And he dropped another Idol mention. I get to drink again!

6:42 - Kiera Knightly is gorgeous.

6:53 - I could totally see Will Smith and Will Ferrell doing a film together. Jada doesn't look like she'd like the idea though.

6:56 - Seacrest. We get it. Your Oscar cherry is being popped tonight. Get over it. The rest of the country is.

7:02 - Nothing says chic like giant Diamond Studs on a man.

7:03 - Attention Oscar Guests. Hair should be brushed BEFORE exiting the vehicle. Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter...I'm talking to you!!

7:10 - Pop Quiz, Hotshot: your husband refuses to attend the Oscars with your possibly-pregnant self. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?? Answer: take Keanu Reeves as your date.

7:23 - William Hurt has no idea what to do with Mizrahi. How painful is that.

7:24 - Nicole Kidman is in white. Is a late-night trip to the JOP in order?

7:25 - I have no clue who Mizrahi is talking to, but it looks like she left her bra at home. Drew Barrymore needs to sit with this chick.

7:28 - Keanu Reeves totally reminds me of Andy. Is it just me that thinks that?

7:29 - Nothing says security in your marriage like your hand on your husband's ass. Nice job, Reese!

7:30 - And... Secreast OUT. All in all, a little slow. I only got to drink three times, and Mizrahi behaved himself too well. Seacrest survived his first Oscar hosting duties, but like all virgins, he should have just done and not talked. However, I'll take Seacrest and Mizrahi over Joan and Melissa any day of the week!!