My sister makes me laugh

For the record, it hasn't been 4 months.

I accepted a date for tonight, and since my friends always complain that I don't provide details, I decided to issue a "Personal Press Release" just so that everyone's in the loop.

It was clear, concise, and included all of the pertinent information. However, leave it to my personal publicist to edit the release in such a way that she better be glad that I can run fast in heels -- especially since I had downed 96 ounces of water by 10 AM!

Her take on my "event" tonight:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
10.10.06

(Baltimore, MD)—Lindsay F., 28, Single Girl Extraordinaire, today announces relief in her four-month dating drought, with the acceptance of a dinner date from “Jeff.” Jeff (last name withheld), 33, is a Project Manager from Baltimore. The date will take place tonight. For privacy reasons, the would-be couple has withheld the location of the date and asks the paparazzi to refrain from seeking them out.

Ms. F. expressed excitement about the upcoming event, releasing this brief statement: “Thank God Jeff came along. I was about ready to request famine relief aid from Brad and Angelina. I’m going in with an open mind and a cute skirt.”
# # #

EDITOR’S NOTE: Full review and photography will be released tomorrow on Ms. F’s blog http://drama-duchess.blogspot.com/ :)

The publicist got it wrong, no photos are coming. As for the review, we'll just have to see about that, won't we?

The Internet is for...

Just in case you've forgotten, here's two reminders of what the Internet is REALLY for.

The Drunk Guy wishing QVC a Very Happy Anniversary


The Computer Animation

I should be too old for this...

But, apparently, I'm not.

Sometimes I wish I had just sucked it up, kept the relationship that I had my senior year alive, gone on to marry the guy, and hopped out of the dating pool. Sure, he spent more time with the professors in his PhD program than with me, and he had at least three more years in Blacksburg before we could move back to civilization, but I'm pretty sure we could have been happy for at least a few years before I killed him.

Alas, I didn't. And now I fear I'm stuck with the rejects from the shallow end.

Case in point, I'm back on one of those popular online sites (sorry, I'm not going to say which one), and I keep getting emails from people I know/dated in the past. This is a particular problem for me because, as we've discussed, I seem to attract a lot of "Georges," and therefore, being on these sites seems to encourage the "I always loved you from afar" type of emails that make the existing relationship difficult. Seriously, guys, if you didn't ask when it was free, what makes you think that the fact that I'm a paying member changes anything? If you had the crush, and you didn't open your mouth before now, please don't assume my appearance on an online site is any indication that I'm seeking you out specifically.

There should be a rule that says that even if an ex/friend/coworker is "introduced" to you by the system, you get a free pass to ignore it. The system can use all the algorithms in the world to tell you who you could be attracted to, but it'll never be able to tell who you've already befriended or rejected. There's a human element involved and, assuming that you actually ARE a human, only the two of you can be equipped to make the decisions necessary to ignore the computer's attempts at matchmaking.

Considering what the computer has sworn I'd be interested in, in the past (twice-divorced, two kids, no education), the human element is extremely important. Just trust me on this one.

Exceptions to this rule do exist and include a) people I haven't seen in way too long, b) people who have been on extreme makeover or won the lottery in the last few months, or c) the ex-boyfriend who dumped me when I was fat and now that I'm skinny is looking to reconnect.

Anyone who falls into the "C" category, however, does so at his own risk. The second that I realize that you're superficial enough to only want me back because I'm less of a woman than the one you remember, revenge is mine. And, if this blog is any indication of how snarky I can be when crossed, you've been duly warned.

The problem, however, is that when I haven't been crossed or loaded up on a few glasses of wine and some painkillers (like now -- gym accident, don't ask), I come across as a very sweet little gal, who most men interpret as being interested, when I'm simply being friendly. I think it has something to do with the fact that my military upbringing required me to make friends fast. Therefore, when I see someone hanging on the edge of a group, I work to bring them in. If they're a guy and they've got any sort of self-esteem problem at all, this usually brings problems for me in the form of emails, phone calls, and cyber-stalking (even when the only way they've gotten my information is from group emails or tricking another friend into giving it up). However, knowing how frustrating it can be to be on the outside looking in, I can't help it.

But back to the boys on the random internet dating sites. Most guys don't get how much of a problem this can be, but now that most of the sites feature that whole "who peeked at your profile" feature, it makes things just a little awkward.

Like today. Today, I was on the site when I came across a profile name that looked a little familiar. Couldn't place it, so I opened the profile. It was an acquaintance I haven't seen in a few years. Nice guy, but I was never really attracted to him. Lots of reasons, that I can't really remember right now, though. As soon as I realized who it was, I closed the profile. No messages, no winking, no harm done, right?

Wrong. Even though I always try to do my cyber-stalking offline (saves on the heartache when I come across a hot ex or I want to anonymously check out a profile with a spectacularly bad picture), I kinda wasn't. Within minutes of me leaving the profile, the boy emailed me asking if I wanted to have a drink. All because he saw that I had checked him out. But I didn't. I checked out the profile, but I spent less than 30 seconds on the profile because I realized who it was as soon as I opened the profile. Unfortunately, the online system never tells the guy how long I spent on the profile, just that I did.

Aside to anyone who works for one of those sites, that would be a fabulous enhancement!

So, now I find myself walking the fine line of sucking it up and going for the sake of going (thus encouraging something that has a snowballs chance) or letting him down as easy as I can without making it too terribly awkward on the off-chance I run into him at a later date. Though I seriously haven't seen him in over a year, this is a smaller town than you'd think. Believe me, it could happen.

I should be too old for this crap.

But, apparently, I'm not.

I talk good, I'm Microsoft Word

At our book exchange the other day, I picked up this fantastically funny book called Grammar Snobs are Great Big Meanies. I'm sure there's some punctuation that I'm missing in there, but really I don't care right now.

The book is all about the rules of grammar, but surprisingly, it's not the dry read that anyone who survived high school English would expect. The author is funny as hell, and thanks to her I'm paying more and more attention to the grammar in my work documents. The blog, however, is more of a stream of consciousness and will not be grammatically correct unless it happens by accident.

Not that you needed to know that.

As part of my continued efforts, I turned the Microsoft Word grammar-checker back on to catch anything that my careful reading didn't.

Imagine my surprise, therefore, when I got this as a correction...

I've seen some bad grammar in my day, but I'm not sure I've ever seen anything THIS bad. Especially from a program that's supposed to be helping a person ensure that his or her grammar is correct.

We've heard complaints about the spell-checker, so as a warning to the high school students who happen to find this blog, I say this: STAY AWAY FROM MARK FOLEY . DO NOT TRUST THE GRAMMAR CHECKER!!

That am all.

Best Laid Plans

Thank God, I didn't start taking my clothes off.

Since I have a Jaycees meeting tonight, I thought it would be a great idea to stay late at work, hit the gym, and then go straight to the meeting. I'd get points for being a dedicated employee, do something great for my bod, and save a little gas going back and forth. Right?

Right.

I swore I had everything...even running back to the house to grab my HRM. So imagine my surprise when I get to the gym, reach into the bag for my shorts and nothing.

The guy at the desk thought it was a little strange that I clocked a grand total of five minutes in the gym this morning, but when I told him that I didn't really feel like being arrested, we both got a great abs workout.

So, I started driving away when I almost hit a 10-year old on a bike who had stopped in the middle of my lane (he was traveling in the other direction) to pick something up that had dropped. The object that had dropped? A cigarette. I honked my annoyance, he flipped me the bird, stuck the ciggy in his mouth, and biked away. A few years from now, that kid'll be suing Phillip Morris. He'll probably win too.

So, now I'm sitting at the library, typing away on my book and dealing with people reading over my shoulder. Really, if you want to read what I write so damn much, ask for the blog address. Otherwise, don't interrupt me mid-stream while I'm trying to type.

It's just rude.

O'Reilly needs to be shot

Along with Dennis Hastert, Tom Reynolds, and of course Mark Foley.

Why? Because, suspiciously, O'Reilly labeled pedophile-former-Congressman as a DEMOCRAT not once, not twice, but three times during his broadcast last night.

He should be attacking the congressman for his vile behavior; instead, he blames gay Americans (because Foley is now hiding behind the "I'm a gay American and that's what caused me to do this" excuses) and Priests/Pastors/Rabbis for "abusing Foley himself as a teenager."

Sure. I'll believe that when you show me hard statistics that every gay man in America is a pedophile and every pedophile in America is a gay man. But I guess that the second part of the statement, that "Mr. Foley is not offering any excuse" for the behavior should be interpreted that the admissions and accusations offered yesterday were provided for no more than informational purposes and should not be interpreted as any type of excuse. Right, right?

Mr. Foley, for the record, if you're going to claim that you were abused by a man of the cloth, it helps to actually be able to identify what denomination your abuser was. Of course, if he's still preaching, it shows that you weren't really doing your job, doesn't it?

For the record, Foley isn't a Democrat. He's a Republican. Usually, that shouldn't matter when such a sick individual has been charged with protecting our children and fail miserably (Chris Hansen doesn't include the "for the record what party are you registered to?" question when he's shocking predators on Dateline); however, when the sicko involved has been tasked with and commended by our President for his efforts to PROTECT CHILDREN, it matters. It matters a lot.

As for Hastert and Reynolds, they should have raked Foley across the coals (he probably would have liked that) as soon as they learned about the IMs. Instead, they covered it up -- much like the churches that shuffled priests from parish to parish. You can't shuffle a congressman, you can only cover up his behavior. Right?

They also fed the story that the Page program should be disbanded. If that's not a way to blame the victim, I don't know what is. It's like telling a mother: "Gee, sorry Mrs. Doe, I didn't mean to abuse your two year old. It was just that she looked so sexy in that diaper." How fucking sick is that!!??!!??

When even the most conservative newspapers in the country are calling for your resignation, it's time to go. To jail. Do not collect $200, do not keep the money you already collected. Mark Foley was caught with a live boy and resigned. Dennis Hastert and Tom Reynolds were caught with the same live boy and should face the same fate. The money raised by Foley should go straight to a Hurricane Katrina charity (because the IM victim was from that region), the Amish Community (who lost their little girls to a pedophile like Foley) or to a charity for victims of pedophilia. It should NOT go back into the coffers of the Republicans who knew about the abuses and hid them.

O'Reilly isn't the only one who's been hiding information about Hastert's involvement. ABC News and the Washington Post both changed stories after initial postings. Those stories initially mentioned Hastert's involvement, and both had quotes that changed to something that wasn't as clear. Check out the Daily Kos for that info.

So, I'm fully expecting that the next move for Camp Foley is to claim that the abuses extended only to the inappropriate IMs. IMs, incidentally, that were so "inappropriate" that if Charlie Gibson had read them aloud during World News Tonight, he would have been slapped with FCC Fines out the wazoo.

I don't buy that.

Maf54: I miss you lots since san diego.

What the hell happened?

Photos of beauty and tranquility

I blame it on Rockwell.

Thanks to the holiday yesterday, I had the opportunity to work from home. A few hours in, I was starting to get the idea that I should take advantage of the spectacular weather and head out of town to take a few snapshots of the beauty, peacefulness, and tranquility that is the Amish way of life. Yes, you read that right, I said Amish.

After all, I thought, those 80-degree October days don't come around that often, and it so sunny and clear. The way I saw it, I couldn't really resist.

It was a great plan, so I don't really know why I didn't complete it. I downloaded the directions to Lancaster County and got my stuff together, but I never actually got in the car. Instead, at around 10 AM, I sat back down and kept typing away on my work project.

Three hours later, I learned that I just would have been in the way. Yesterday was anything but a quiet day in Amish Country. Five little girls are dead, five little girls are clinging to life because some madman saw them as easy targets.

I was planning a trip to Amish country for photos of peace and tranquility. Now, all I can do is pray for that peace for the families and the recovery of those who were spared initially.